Hey Ladies, Prince Charming Called…

…and he got tied up in fantasy land. So you’ll have to accept us real world guys. I’m sorry but:

• I’m not 6’2″ with the perfect smile and immaculate manscaping.
• I don’t have a beautiful white stallion so you are going to have to carry your own baggage.
• And I’m not independently wealthy so if you’re waiting for a castle and the servants that go with it…keep waiting.

It seems commonplace for women to talk about the unrealistic expectations that they are held to. And rightly so. All it takes is a walk past the newsstand to see a landscape of airbrushed supermodels in bikinis with articles on how to balance motherhood and career, be a sexual gymnast, and still bake a fantastic apple pie. (But don’t eat that apple pie yourself or you won’t fit into the bikini.)

But ladies, it goes both ways. If you were raised on a diet of romantic comedies, prime-time dramas, and wedding magazines then you probably have an image of your own personal Prince Charming. Your unrealistic expectations may not always as obvious as a size 0 woman, but it can be just as insidious (and damaging to your chances of having a solid real-world relationship).

Here’s the deal: it’s just as hard for us guys to balance everything that you and the world wants us to accomplish. Heck, we’re still trying to figure out exactly what you do want. Remember the sexual revolution that changed gender-roles and put us onto the path of equality? I’m a big fan, but that upheaval and uncertainty has affected us too. These days I don’t know if I’m going to be considered a gentleman or a patriarchal jackass if I open the door for a woman.

So not only are we trying to figure out how we’re supposed to be, but we also have  figure out how to do all of this.  We’re focusing on building our careers so we can be successful care-takers, spending time with those close to us to develop our relationships, and hitting the gym so we can carry you up the stairs and ravish you (in a mutually consenting way).  We’re spinning just as many plates finding ways to be emotionally-available, financially-sound, and physically-attractive men… and still trying to find time to watch the game with our boys (because we want to be good friends too). So yes, we’re tired.

But it’s not a competition!  I’m not trying to say we’ve got it harder or easier.  If we want to create relationships as equals, we have to acknowledge that both sides have their work cut out for them.

Am I saying to settle for slug and get rid of your standards?  Not at all!  But be aware that your expectations might not always be achievable. You probably want us to treat you with compassion and understanding as far as our expectations…well, it goes both ways. If you want to tell us that you can’t be a domestic, career, and sex goddess all at once, that’s great (and accurate);  but be aware that we’re not supermen and we might not be able to achieve everything at once either.

In the end, know that most us are working hard at being the best version of ourselves that we can.  We want to be amazing for the women in our lives, and we do want our relationships to be the best they can be.  Remember, just as the authentic you is more interesting and attractive than a 2-dimensional magazine cover, so is the real us.  And when both sides can get past our artificial expectations, then we can create some amazing things together.

No More Mister Nice Guy

OK, so unrequited love (or even unrequited like) isn’t a new thing. Heck, Shakespeare was writing about it 400 years ago (and much more eloquently than me). But I’ve developed a hard-earned understanding that for me un-returned affection actually has nothing to do with the other person; it’s really an internal thing. I’ve got a really good track record of putting more of myself into  relationships than I got back. And now I’m willing to accept that it’s not the other person’s fault – it’s 100% my responsibility.

Over the years this has often manifested as me being the really good guy who’s totally there for her and who doesn’t make a romantic move (a la most John Hughes movies – think of Duckie). Heck, I say “over the years” like it hasn’t happened in the recent past…or the last few weeks. It’s a hard habit to break. And even when I’ve been in a relationship I’ve often taken on the baggage of the other person without getting the same support back. You might call it being a nice guy – but there’s a thin line between “nice guy” and “sucker”.

But if the ball really is in my court, then I can make a change. It’s my job to stand up for myself. And lately, I’ve gotten much better at that. It’s not that I don’t want to be nice anymore, I just don’t want to be the door mat. Sure, in the movies the object of affection eventually realizes that the guy they’ve been treating poorly (or just overlooking) really is the man of their dreams. But that’s not how the real world works. And if I have to spend a lot of energy trying to convince someone that I’m awesome, it’s probably not a good start to a relationship…

Ironically, I don’t feel that being authentic with how I feel has made me less nice. In fact, now I can be confident that for a woman who  puts in the same effort and emotion, I’m willing and able to be as nice and kind/compassionate/generous as the day is long. But I’m done with pushing down my feelings and needs just to make the other person’s life simpler. It hasn’t been an easy transition (just ask my friends C and C; I whine to them constantly), but it’s one that has made me happier.

And as I do this with my romantic relationships, it’s bled over into more clarity and integrity in the other parts of my life. Or maybe being authentic in the other parts of my life has influenced my romantic journey. Either way, if you have been like me in the past, I hope that you can stand up for your intentions and know that you don’t have to bend yourself to someone else’s expectations in order to find happiness.  Life is too friggin’ short for that.